Day 5

Wednesday
10/30/2013
Listening to my Classical music playlist

Dear Diary,

So Mr. A and I finally pulled the plug. It is officially over. I cried, but not like I have before when he has tried to leave me. This time I cried and even asked him “are we really doing this” and said yes. There is no regret in all I have done, because I loved him with al my heart so passionately! There was nothing I would have not done for this man. At least from my part I know I did everything I could. I had loved an man and poured my heart and should into something he gave up on and ran away from since day one. But as my tears start to pour out my eyes I do not regret finally not chasing him. My love was pure and genuine, loyal and passionate. All I wanted was to give him was the start the moon and the sun. I had loved a man so passionately that I had accepted my unhappiness for his happiness. One of my biggest dreams is to own a home with horses. As I expressed this to him he said I don’t want any animals you will have to clean up for them. See the thing is that before I would have not cared and agreed but this hurt me for once. I love horses! It has such a unique quality for freedom and love with rage and passion running through its veins. It disappointed me that he would even say that. A man that loves a woman and a woman that loves a man will support any dream possible if truly in love. It made me think…do I really want to end up with this man? He could not accept my love for animals yet alone my biggest dream. I have put up and supported him for over a year now when he was at his lowest and yet when I was at my lowest he just be-little me more. I wondered what was wrong with me for the longest of times. Until now I have realized there was never nothing wrong with me, he just did not love me for who I truly was. He had tried to change me over and over again. Every time making it seem that when something went wrong that it was my fault, that I was not a good girlfriend. It made me even think that I was not good enough for him. Now… I feel like I was more than good for him, and that is why a higher power did not allow him to have me any longer. He did not know how to appreciate what he had in front of him. Always looking for ways to please him and make him happy I could never satisfy him. Long and sleepless nights I passed crying into my pillows wishing that I could make him happy, that I can finally be good enough. I prayed to God and wished to change me because I desired to be with this man make him happy and put him in a pedestal. Only did I not realize that I had made a big mistake. That I had given up my happiness for a man that I had given a man a power over my life my soul and my heart which he did not deserve. Going above and beyond was never enough.

(Intermission) 

As my brother and I had a conversation I learn to part ways with what is going on and accept the things that are currently happening. One second one minute one hour on day at a time. There is no rush to my journey that I have embarked with finding who I am with or without Mr. A. I will find me… and love, love will come back one day when I least expected to in the near or far future.

With much love,

Zazu