Monday
02/10/14
Listening to "Wait" by M83
Dear Diary,
It had been a while since I write. I have lately been going through an array of emotions into which I cannot seem to let go. Understanding that it is part of life to be feel these emotions makes me a little but happier than most would be in my circumstance. The reason why because I used to not be able to feel anything besides my deep depression growing up. To be able to depict emotions that I am feeling and be able to identify them myself feels refreshing. But with that joy comes a price I have to pay.
I have lately have to endure my recent break up. It has now been 3 whole months that I have decided to stop letting Mr. A hurt me and control me. Luckily, I have an amazing support system and my self will to be happy again to get me through this. But sometimes I do wonder why did it end when I truly loved him so much. It pained me so much that my love has turn into hate. Know that I have never hated anything or anyone or ever wanted to feel that feeling because of what it stands for. My thought on that feeling was always that it was unnecessary and cruel...but I have found myself in the situation I am in. I hate him. As much as I try not to feel that way and ask God to help me learn how not to hate him, I cannot seem to remove the feeling. I have now learned how to accept it and live with the fact that the infamous quote of "there is a fine line between love and hate" to be true.
Mr. A was a love that I have never felt before. I felt like we were meant to be together, that we were perfect for one another. Little did I know that I was just lying to myself. I would question and blame myself for the break up. As he would always say "its all your fault, it always is!" I learned to believe it and make it my reality. Yes, it is hard to still get over him but what helps is all his hurtful words. He never realized the emotional abuse he was putting me through as he countlessly admitted over and over again how selfish he was and that is why he wanted things a certain way. Giving into whatever request he wanted, I would go out my way. I tried so hard to make it work, to make him see how much I truly loved him, but it was never enough. With the hate that I currently feel for him I never have yet to desire him any negative to happen to him. The only one thing that I have wished is for him to feel the same exact pain I underwent with him. And even then, I felt guilty about it and tried endlessly to get that thought out of my head.
The pain has been real but the memories have serve me to forget Mr. A. It is interesting to realize that most of my memories of him now are over powered by all the painful ones. Love, what is love. Is love letting yourself be put down and talked down to by a man? Is love letting him use your weaknesses against you? Is love a one person thing? No. And when I finally realized that I was able to leave that painful reality to start over...
Currently, I am happier than ever! Yes there are times like right now that happen, where I remember him and it hurts me. But I have learned that it is ok to feel such pain. I LOVED so intensely a man that i gave my heart life and soul too. It was not a mistake because I learned that I love is capable of anything, but should have boundaries. Also, I have learned that a relationship is not a one person job but rather two people at equal levels. Love is so beautiful and comes in all shapes and forms. It is to learn from such experiences and we grow. I was lucky enough to realize that I was worth more than he gave me credit for. Not only that, I got better once I was away from him. Life is now an everyday blessing to me, and I thank God for that. There are so many things I have now done without him being around and stopping me from doing. Falling in love with myself is one of them.
He was the last piece of my past I had to let go to let my new into the world. I was just lucky enough to have God by my side, family, and friends.
With much love,
Zazu
