Day 2

Tuesday
9/24/2013
Listening to "Collide" (Afrojack mix) by Leona Lewis, Avicii

Dear Diary,

I have decided to do two reflections of my feelings throughout a posting. The reason why is because I noticed that after writing a blog I feel completely different than before I write it. Today has been two days since my last post and a lot has happen. I am aware that I need to post the rest of the story that was left off on the previous posting. Overall writing has seemed like a healing process. Here we go.

Reflection before the story:

Today it is still early during the day. I have yet to let myself feel about my situation with my boyfriend. Simply because I have not had time. Cure is to stay busy. Temporary cure obviously. But so far I have not had the chance to focus on my feelings because I have been stressed out with school. I have midterms coming up and I want to get A's in that test and my classes. But part of me is torn into two. One says I want to be with him, because I am in love with him. The other side of me says that I just have too many thing I have to do before settling down. I want to travel, explore, have fun, chase my dreams, and more. But it is hard to think that I can completely loose him. The though of loosing anyone you love is terrifying but we as humans we do not consistently think about such things. That is when we do not appreciate what we have around us. Besides being stressed with school and my relationship, I tend to be very happy. Lately, my friendships with people have been marvelous. It is like we fall in love with life because all we want to do is be alive and be young. With this in mind I do not encourage alcohol or drugs. Some of my best memories have been those that did not include such recreational use. I personally prefer not to do those things because they only make things worse. Going back to my feelings, I have decided to take one day at a time with my relationship and let time do the job. But, I know I love him.

Wednesday September 18, 2013; I wake up stressed reaching out for him. I look at my cell and have noticed that I have received a text from his dad cell saying "you called" I text back saying "yea". My leg is stiff and swollen from the day before fall and my eye's hurt from all the crying. I call in sick to work. My leg hurts too much to walk on. But after I fall back to sleep and wake up I decide I will go to his house. I shower and change and walk out the door. As I walk to the nearest bus stop my heart starts to race and my palms start to moist. I eagerly wait the arrival of the bus, which by the way this is only my second time using. As I anxiously continue to check my phone to check the bus arrival I cannot compose myself. My heart races, my lungs are function I think to myself, my palms are sweaty but I am not, what is going on with me. The seconds feel minutes the minutes feel like hours and the hours feel like days. But what story has not used that line before. I try to make sense of what is happening. My leg is throbbing. The sense I feel seem to be in all its extremity.  The bus arrives. I get out my change to pay with and take a seat. I make sure to see what is the next bus I am supposed to take as I sit anxiously waiting to get to his house. Few minutes later I arrive to my stop. I get off walk across to the next bus stop and wait. This bus did not take as long as the other one but still had to wait. I get onto my next bus, pay, sit down. As I pay attention to the every move the driver makes, he makes a left on a street and I panic thinking "I don't want to go back home!" and got off. Little did I know that I was supposed to stay on the bus. I was not too far away as I walked down a street and then a smaller street towards his house. I was sweating now, it was hot. As I arrive to his house I get extremely nervous. I slowly walk up the stairs as my leg is hurting. I get to his door. It seems time has stop. I knock. It feels like minutes but seconds later he opens the door. The gate door is blocking me from him as he asks "hey, what you doing here?" I say "I need to talk to you." He asks me what about and I say about a lot of things. He is hesitant to open the gate door but he does. Hes wearing basketball ball short a t-shirt and holding a bowl of cereal. I cant keep my eyes off him as I feel my heart sinking inside me in a ocean of emotions that seem to be attacking me all at once but I am not conscious but rather physically aware of. I am happy. He tells me to take a seat and asks me if I want anything or if I have eaten. I admit to him I have yet to eat as lately the last thing on my mind is to eat. I stare at him. "Water please, its hot." He goes to get me a water, hands it to me and sits down, "so whats up?" he ask. I cannot seem to speak, there are so many things I want to say but my mouth or my brain cannot process any. He asks again "what would you like to talk about?" I finally respond. I want to talk about a lot of things but I cannot seem to have them come out my mouth, I let him know. He says well I haven't changed my mind since yesterday. I move towards him to sit next to him since he is on the other side of the couches and tends to be fidgeting with the control and changing the channels on the TV. I say why do you want to leave me when you love me. He says you already know I say tell me again. He says you know that I cannot give you anything, I am tired of the fights, and some of the things you do are just not right. I say I have never been in such serious relationship how em I suppose to know what exactly should I be doing. We look at each other then he looks away. I say look at me while I talk to you. I get closer. I move into his arms and try to kiss him but he moves his head away and says no you know this cannot happen anymore. Looking away I try to contain myself and start to cry. I turn back around and grab a hold of his face and I say so your okay with letting me, go having me close, not kissing you, loving you but love someone else? He rapidly says no, but it is going to happen. You will find happiness. I ask, don't you love me? He says of course I do, it doesn't just go away. I get closer to him and start kissing his neck, slowly move onto his ear, then fairly touch his lips with mine caressing them. Feeling him get weaker and closing his eyes I kiss him. He melts into my lips as I into his. Time has currently stopped. His lips are soft, gentle, we slowly kiss as it gradually gets aggressive. I am still holding onto his face, I feel his hand move onto the back of my head as he grabs it to kiss me harder. It seems like hours have passed by as we passionately kiss until we cannot breathe anymore. I cry. He says don't cry please, it hurts me to see you like this. Then why are you leaving me, I reply. You know we cannot be together we both have tried, I say have you really? He answers with a you know I have. I say no you have not you haven't tried you are quitting. He looks away. He then says you know you always have been the stronger one that has always brought me back into realization that we should stay together but this time it is just not going to happen. But he holds me close as it seems like he does not want to let me go. Inside my thoughts I cannot seem to understand what he is thinking, trying to decipher what he is telling I cannot read him, he is the only one I cannot seem to have been able to read or understand. We continue to go back and forth with the situation at hand. I cry he seems hurt we kiss and he lets me know you know my weaknesses. I ask honestly let him know I do not know what they are. He responds with :you are my weakness". We head to his room even though we are both hesitant. Time passes and we are holding each other letting our love flourish even though we have no idea what will happen, his mindset still breaking up and mine still staying together. I love him he loves me what. This makes no sense, but is love supposed too? I ponder in pure confusion. Looking into his eyes, I ask him "can you live without me?" He looks away as he seems to rather not answer my question. I pull his face towards me and say please answer me, he sharply then looks into my eyes and says what do you think I raise my shoulders in confusion. He says no I cannot. I fall into bliss. We continue to cuddle and then he asks me would you like to see something funny. I say of course. He brings a plastic storage bin out. As he opens it he shows me thing that he has kept that mean something to him which include some mementos I have even given him. He then starts pulling out his year books. Spending part of the day going into his past from stories within his year book, a notebook that he has some drawings on from when he was a child, toys from when he was a child, and dearest possession  I feel like i know him better. I could not express the joy I felt going through a journey back into his past. He has not open up like this with me before and we had been together for over 2 years. He puts it all away and comes towards me. Grabs me light to have my lower back arched into his arm to kiss me. He kisses me passionately...To be continued.

Reflection after the story:

While writing this piece to the story, I could once again feel each emotion I felt throughout that day. It was a bit hard to write as I have not though about him since Sunday when I saw him. Being consistently busy I have not given time to feeling what I am feeling about the relationship since in a way it stresses me out. But I do love him, I feel calmer more in tune with myself when I express by detail each sensation, each characteristic to my story. It is like letting out a hurricane of emotions into an empty abyss. That now has become a canvas for my soul to pour out the array of colors it keeps inside that creates a visual picture with words.

With much love,

Zazu

Day 1

Saturday
9/21/2013
Listening to "City of Dreams" by Dirty South, Alesso

Dear Diary,

Every time I have tried to start a diary it has failed. Massively. Overtime I have instead written music or poems because it was easier for me to write and more time affective. I have decided to write again. For the simple fact that I feel like I am currently dying inside. Here are the following reasons of cause and affect towards why I currently feel so down.

It all started when I fell in love, with my current boyfriend Mr. A (which will be his alias). Within my story I will only use first names to protect the identity of my loved ones. On Tuesday of this week which was September 17, 2013 he broke up with me. Now I know I said he was my boyfriend but by Wednesday things got complicated and now I am contemplating if I truly want this. It tore my heart to hear that he wanted to leave me. I cried and had this terrible and overwhelming sensation of pain all over my body that made me tremble as he looked at me with teary eyes and said he couldn't do this any longer. See, I love this man with every little inch of me, myself, and soul. I pray each day trying to cope with the situation I have found myself in. The pain is so grand that it seems to be giving me a semi recap of old thoughts. Everyday I have had a different set of feelings that have amounted to something that seems to be overwhelming all my thoughts. I will begin this story from Tuesday and will go on.

Tuesday September 17, 2013; I could no bare to stand the fact that I had not talked to my boyfriend in so long. It had been a week since Monday when we got into a fight and he cussed at me and hung up on me. I cried and cried until I could not let myself fall into the whole I was in anymore and got up from the floor and felt my value as a woman was more than this man could see. But even though a week passed I became weak, as I am utterly inexplicably in love with this man. So I decided to go to his house while I was at work. Hence I am not capable to drive anywhere since unfortunate events that have occurred in my life. But that is a completely other story. One my mom picked me up I told her to take me to my boyfriends house. Upon arrival, around 3:00pm, I went up the stairs and knocked at his apartment door. I stood there waiting about 45 minutes looking around hoping I was invisible to my surrounding which included his neighbors. His windows were open and I could notice that there was someone home but no one to open the door. After a while I just decided to leave. While walking down the stairs, around the second flight of stairs I fell down them and caught my arm on the window while falling face forward. as I turned around to grab my leg i started whimpering because I wanted to cry. I went to the car, reclined my seat back, put my sun glasses on and started crying until I fell asleep. Hours later I had to go to a class. My parents picked me up and after an errand I once again asked if I could be take to my Boyfriends house. Once I got there his mother opened the door and told me he had left to school. I then got back into the car and did not know what to do. So, after almost arriving home I asked them if they could take me to his school and they agreed. As strange as all these things happened, I had texted his best friend earlier that day to ask him if he was at school. Obviously he did not respond to me as my boyfriend later on told me he was busy. See, that I do not fully believe as there is a girl code there is a guy code. And even though I might make some bad decisions within my days I am a very smart individual and can correlate many things that may concur with one another. Now once I got to his school and walked in I saw his best friend walking into the bathroom. This just seemed to weird of a coincidence. I waited. He came out and was surprised. I let him know I was not stalking him as he starts to laugh we start talking about him. About almost 40 mins pass while we talk about certain things. In which that is another story. My boyfriend comes around the corner to head to the bathroom as he sees me his does not look so happy. I say hi, his friend says I will let you guys go and my boyfriends says what are you doing here. I said I needed to talk to you. He says I am not happy with you and says lets go talk. So as we sit outside of his school we talk. He first asks me if I had invited his best friends girlfriend to go clubbing and I say yes is that bad? He says yes by the way you said it that we you guys should not take any boyfriends with you so that we can miss you girls. I said yes I said that because girls are allowed to have fun as well. In my head I think "all I wanted to do is go dancing with these girls, laugh, scream, be beautiful, and have a memorable night." not even thinking of trying to do things with other guys as his best friend though and him as well. But guys do not seem to understand that. He told me that his best friend didn't want that and basically to leave her alone. In all well intention to this girl in which I helped her when she was drunk and throwing up on herself at a club we were at for HER boyfriends birthday this is what I get. Girls can be very shady, that is why I don't have many girls as friends. Only a few. Continuing on, he says he cannot do this anymore and he does not want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I say no don't say that you do not mean that. He goes on with saying its just you do thing I do not agree with and you don't change. In fact I have change more than from what I was before to what I have become today. We continue to talk and I cry and he just seems mad and confused. More students come outside as school is ending. his best friend comes outside and says I will be back. I ask what does he mean. He tell me he is giving me a ride. Leading to he had talked to him today already. I had asked his best friend during our conversation if he knew if he was at school and said I don't know if he came to school. Both lying to me. If he only knew what I have done for his best friend. Been supporting him and helping him in all I could because I love him. Unconditionally and never asking for anything back. But I did not hold it against them. I am too good hearted and always have been. We continue to head to the back of the school and we continue to talk. He continue to tell me "no we are not going to get back together, as cute as you may look doing all that, this is just not going to work." I start to hyperventilate. I feel my heart beating faster my lungs not getting enough air my body tingling from the lack of circulation of blood not running through my veins and i start to cry so hard I break down. I start to choke as my body tries to regain itself and give myself some oxygen since consciously I cannot do it on my own. He says he is going to get his things from his class room as it seems to be getting late and the class might have ended already. I cry in the dark praying out loud to God saying please do not take him away! He is the only person I have loved so intensely, innocently, and purely. Even though he has disrespected me at his times I as well have done the same to him but not as bad as him to me. He returns to me and he sits next to me I move to sit within his arms as he asks what em I doing he holds me tighter. He still wont kiss me or rejects my kisses. As he feels my body trembling and my tears running down my eyes he says I am sorry but we just are not working we both tried. I go in for the kiss and he doesn't respond. I hold his face with my hands and say we you have not tried you have given up I have tried. He says you know I have tried I say no you have not, he again says yes I have and I still say no. I then say I love you and he says I love you too. I go in for another kiss and he finally kisses me... I felt like I left my body and entered his. He knows he owns my heart as I had mention he was taking my heart away. Our kiss proves to me we are still in love with one another. His lips against mine, they feel soft, my tears run down my face and he starts to grab my head to push me more into him and we kiss passionately ad we both cannot breathe anymore. we separate and I say you still love me and he says yes I do but we cannot be together. yet again I cry. We again go back and forth and he says I cannot give you what you want and you are not giving me what I want. We both tried as I say we both love each other. He says "yes we do but we this relationship is not working, I feel stressed out, and I know you love me but I cannot do this anymore" I still cry. "So you want me to walk away then?" I say and as tears come down his face he says yes. I cant contain myself, my body is falling into shock and once again I feel like I cannot breathe. He holds me harder as he does not want to have me see him cry. In my head I a shouting to God begging with my heart out to not let this happen. We stand up, its almost been two hours since I got there, my dad comes to find me and says lets go. I say leave. He leaves. Mr. A tells me to go, I say no, we both have tears running down our face. I say walk me to the car, we both walk and I can't come to terms that he wants this to be over. we almost arrive to the car and my mom comes out to offer him a ride home but says no, this continues on for a few minutes and keeps saying no. My mom says okay lets go then, I say no I will follow him to wherever he goes. He starts to be upset at me. My mom tells me to stop being stubborn and I say tell him that. She tries to convince me and then I yell at her to go back to the car because she is upsetting me. She listens, but yet I feel bad. But He tells me don't treat your parents like that. I don't want to but I feel upset. What do you want me to do. He is like "go" I say no he had mentioned before for us to be friends until we find other people to date which had broken my heart as well. So, he says if you don't go I wont ever talk to you I swear that on anything. Leaving me into an ultimatum. I cry and I say okay I will go but promise me we will still talk. he says now I don't know since you don't listen you never do. So I give him one more kiss good bye and after chasing him around in and out his school and almost a few tries of leaving and running back to him I decide to leave. He disappears. I put my headphones on, put the music on loud so I cannot hear my own thoughts or my tears fall into my lap, I text my closes of friends that I feel like I am dying and I get the support that is necessary for the rest of the night. I call HIS dad's cell around 12am to see if my boyfriend would pick up. I cannot keep my eyes open anymore and fall into a deep sleep. In which my dreams consist of his face and being together.

Wednesday September 18, 2013; I wake up stressed reaching out for him. I look at my cell and have noticed that I have received a text from his dad cell saying "you called" I text back saying "yea". My leg is stiff and swollen from the day before fall and my eye hurt from all the crying I call in sick from work. It hurts too much to walk on. But after I fall back to sleep and wake up I decide I will go to his house. I shower and change and walk out the door...To be continued.


Reflection of feelings for the day:

The point to this Diary is to see how I feel and my daily or hourly or minute reactions. At the end of todays blog I want to express how I feel at this moment. I woke up sad. Writing to see him and talk to him. Have not talked to him or seen him since Wednesday. And even though we have come to terms and we are still together I have cried part of today. Bt writing this blog had helped tremendously to deal with what is going on and how I feel. I had a quick surge of wanting to die because I did not know how to deal with these feelings. The person I go to was busy and I felt alone. She had recommended me last night to start a blog and so when I felt like it was to much to handle I grabbed my laptop and started to write.  The song I mention at the top of my blog is the song I set in replay for my entirety of writing and what is currently most in-touch with my feelings. I miss him, I do. I love him and want to be with him. And I have called his dad today and left a voicemail. But yet no response. I have even the though of going to his house to see him but that wont be following to everything we agreed on. In part writing these thoughts, situations, happenings, and feeling out has helped me realize that life gets hard but some have it harder and some do not. But God wont give more than you cannot handle. Currently I feel calmer now that I am writing and letting it out all on the table. I still want to be with him even though I feel God is telling me he is not the one. There is someone else here waiting that is perfect for you. Currently I do not see this and I am in love with him. But I am hurt that he is wiling to give up. I tend to always have a good gut feeling about things and I feel his best friends haw triggered him to leave me, besides our fights and him wanting me to listen to everything he says. I feel truly confused. Part of me wants to be with him another part wants to leave him and another one does not know what hell is going on. I wanted this arrangement because I need time for me but I cant even concentrate in the things I want or need to do. Overall the best word to describe what I feel is confused. Because at one moment I feel like I need him like a drug and the next one a detest him and want him to go away like and bad flu.

With much love,
Zazu