Day 5

Wednesday
10/30/2013
Listening to my Classical music playlist

Dear Diary,

So Mr. A and I finally pulled the plug. It is officially over. I cried, but not like I have before when he has tried to leave me. This time I cried and even asked him “are we really doing this” and said yes. There is no regret in all I have done, because I loved him with al my heart so passionately! There was nothing I would have not done for this man. At least from my part I know I did everything I could. I had loved an man and poured my heart and should into something he gave up on and ran away from since day one. But as my tears start to pour out my eyes I do not regret finally not chasing him. My love was pure and genuine, loyal and passionate. All I wanted was to give him was the start the moon and the sun. I had loved a man so passionately that I had accepted my unhappiness for his happiness. One of my biggest dreams is to own a home with horses. As I expressed this to him he said I don’t want any animals you will have to clean up for them. See the thing is that before I would have not cared and agreed but this hurt me for once. I love horses! It has such a unique quality for freedom and love with rage and passion running through its veins. It disappointed me that he would even say that. A man that loves a woman and a woman that loves a man will support any dream possible if truly in love. It made me think…do I really want to end up with this man? He could not accept my love for animals yet alone my biggest dream. I have put up and supported him for over a year now when he was at his lowest and yet when I was at my lowest he just be-little me more. I wondered what was wrong with me for the longest of times. Until now I have realized there was never nothing wrong with me, he just did not love me for who I truly was. He had tried to change me over and over again. Every time making it seem that when something went wrong that it was my fault, that I was not a good girlfriend. It made me even think that I was not good enough for him. Now… I feel like I was more than good for him, and that is why a higher power did not allow him to have me any longer. He did not know how to appreciate what he had in front of him. Always looking for ways to please him and make him happy I could never satisfy him. Long and sleepless nights I passed crying into my pillows wishing that I could make him happy, that I can finally be good enough. I prayed to God and wished to change me because I desired to be with this man make him happy and put him in a pedestal. Only did I not realize that I had made a big mistake. That I had given up my happiness for a man that I had given a man a power over my life my soul and my heart which he did not deserve. Going above and beyond was never enough.

(Intermission) 

As my brother and I had a conversation I learn to part ways with what is going on and accept the things that are currently happening. One second one minute one hour on day at a time. There is no rush to my journey that I have embarked with finding who I am with or without Mr. A. I will find me… and love, love will come back one day when I least expected to in the near or far future.

With much love,

Zazu

Day 4 part 2

Tuesday

10/29/2013

Listening to the painful thoughts in my head

Dear Diary,

The feeling of being lonely and being alone are two different causalities. Which is worst, I would not be able to tell you. I have yet to talk to Mr. A and at this point I feel like all my friendships are base on an illusion of trust and interest. I feel lonely. Today before my nap not so long ago, I remembered my grandfather. My Mother’s Father. I have never talked about him besides once in a classroom project that I did in his memory. The faint memory of his hugs and his love has never left me, even though my subconscious denies all entry of this sort. I have always felt alone in this world. It is funny how everyone loves to say that “we came in a lone and we will leave alone” and I in fact have said it myself a few times. But little do we know that it hurts us inside the mere though of it. I remembered his face, his smile, his laughter, and wanted to hear his voice. My innocence not knowing that there was a time a place that people go away, forever. I was only 8 when he died. Eight is not my favorite number. Just the though of even letting a memory out in words, better yet by writing resurfaces the deep pain I felt as a child when my mother got that call and I heard right in front of me that he was gone forever. I was only 8, when I began to hate the world and see it for its true identity and corruption of ones soul and happiness. It is hard to remember much of my childhood and I do say I do not mind this. The memories of pure happiness are from when he was alive. From when I would hear his big roaring brown truck pull up our drive away as I ran out in joy to see him arrive. I have yet to feel that pure happiness again. The pain I have felt since the moment I lost him has yet to be healed and forgotten. As I feel asleep to my nap and remembered his thoughts I felt alone, I do not have anyone. Everyone has lied or keep secrets from me. For what, I do ask myself? Mr. A what is your purpose of hurting me to point that my tears run down my face, I fall to the ground on my knees, and wonder what have I done to deserve such faith? To sustain this ongoing pain that is caused by your be-littleness towards me. Or his selfishness acts towards me that no one sees but yet I experience his other side. Everyone’s loves Mr. A but I am the only one that knows his ways and deals with the mistreatment of his words and lack of character. I even though maybe I am paying the price for what his Ex did to him and yet I still wait patiently and with such great hope that things will change. My parents loved him! But I have seen how slowly he has lowered in my parents eyes. For his actions speak louder than his words, and my defense for him speaks louder than my own pain. Excuses over excuses I make to justify very little that he has done. I cannot remember the last time he went out of his way to see me smile, or to make me feel like I was the only girl on this world. Yet I sit, listen, and wait patiently to take an order from him to attend to his every need. I cannot seem to study, nor even want to eat. All I do all day is think which poisons the heart and the soul so I write. I write to pour what I feel I cannot speak of, of what I do not want to accept. But what does this do? Do this even get to anyone or help anyone see that as humans we deserve more we deserve love and compassion and someone that cares for one selves. I have come to the conclusion that questions my love for him, for the man he has become because I once fell completely in love with the man he once was. Perhaps it was my fault perhaps it isn’t…but why is it that I get this end. I read a quote not so long ago that goes as is “your largest fear carries your greatest growth” and with that almost everything makes sense. For only the strongest go through the toughest of moments, but the thing is they were once weak too.

With much love,

Zazu

Day 4

Tuesday
10/29/2013
Listening to "Clair de Lune" For Piano by Claude Debussy

Dear Diary.

You know that moment when you feel like everything is going wrong when it actually isn’t? Well, there are days like that in my life. When at times I feel like everything is falling out of my control. At this time and space I have yet to hear from him… and I am not sure if I want too. I have been questioning the continuance of this ongoing failure of a relationship. I have felt so unappreciated for so long. Yet I have not cried in a while the way I cried the other night. Thursday October 24, 2013 just because I wanted to see him and so blatantly I get a no. But his reasons were justifiable. I was sick and throwing an unnecessary fit to see him. Yet I wonder if it was? He says he has no time but I come to hear that he spent yesterday Monday October 28, 2013 with his best friend. He has yet to respond to my calls. But why do I call? Do I want too? Do I love him? Or am I just used to chasing a ghost of a man that I once fell in love with? I question myself Am I happy? The answer is no. So why continue in this torture of what once was love? Why do we continue in something so lethal that drains the soul and weakens the body? That I yet cannot answer myself. I have not felt this confused in such a long time. The continuance of my story has stopped and I have come to a halting stop focusing on my undetermined feelings and confusion about the decisions I have to make. Writing is definitely an art. The fact that I can so easily manage to write what I feel, think, want to express rather than a voice comforts me. But this still does not give me an answer. But it helps to give me the determination to get control back of myself. Not of anyone or anything but myself. That is where people make mistakes. I know that I been unappreciated for a while now and not only by A, but by many people. The only thing that makes the difference from me and someone is that perhaps they would become bitter over everything that has happened to me causing a broken heart, yet I have no grudge. Fortunately letting this out today has helped me feel more content and energized in some way. I still have yet to make a decision I am comfortable with and as of now I shall take day by day just I have done and should continue doing. Every time I try to jump forward into conclusions or assumptions I get myself in trouble. One step at a time. Will I stay with him or will I not? I do not know the answer.

At times when I am thinking I wonder am I really thinking or is this all real...there has to be something more to life than just this, something great!

With much love,

Zazu

Day 3

Tuesday
10/01/2013
Listening to "Eyes" by Kaskade (Feat. Mindy Gledhill)


Dear Diary,

Last Thursday 9/26/2013 I was going through a lot. I was completely stressed out in all sense of the word. So I could not hold what I was feeling inside. At the moment I wrote this piece I was not thinking rather I was pouring it all out while holding it all in. I will continue the story next time I post. Here were my thoughts that day:


Dear Diary,

I cannot seem to handle myself right. I am going into a state of mental and emotional panic. To the point that I go onto the computer and open blogger to write and let it out. My anxiety wants to hit a high peak that I am trying to avoid at all cost. My relationship seems to have symptoms of an addiction. I cannot focus, breathe right, eat, or do almost anything. It seems like I am loosing myself when I am trying to find myself as well. My insides want to burst out in scream and yelling contest to let it all out. The panic of my anxiety is causing me to think too fast for my own good. The fluctuations of what is going on with me are hard to control without medication. This has been the first time in long that I feel that I cannot help myself. Pouring out my soul all at once or trying to find the perfect words to explain a love that insanely drains the life out of me when all I want to do is live. The constant fight of wanting to be with Mr. A and to be single to explore the world tares me into pieces. Why, why, why, why I continue to ask out in the air. To whom the "why's" that itself I have no clue. I even feel like crying, at this moment, this very second, so I put my head down. I try not to, I try to hold it in. So I do. The feeling overwhelms me, confusion and interpretations by both parties. What are we doing? My head is full of thoughts. Still I cannot focus. At times I truly believe something is wrong with me besides everything that supposedly I have by doctors diagnosis. I try to pray. Man, I cannot even focus to do that. My brain seems to not keep one straight thought. What is wrong with me at this moment? I ask myself, I am more than trying but it seems like I am drowning in a sorrow that I am trying to avoid. It has become a small chip, that grew into a crack, that has now almost broken my heart. As I try to save it by holding it together. Everyone says I am strong, stronger than anyone they know. I stop to think, where, don't they see how bad I am breaking down. Yet I smile, to everyone. I still am my happy self happy to be alive and grateful. But with such pain that feels like it is tumbling in down inside me. Just like Jenga. move the wrong block and a tower that is already shaky tumbles down into many separate pieces not being one anymore. I want to tire myself out, my brain in fact. No more feelings I let myself know but nope, thats not happening. Wanting to head to the gym I haven't had the chance to go back to let it out. A good run would do the trick, I think to myself.



With much love,
Zazu