10/29/2013
Listening to the painful thoughts in my head
Dear Diary,
The feeling of being lonely and being alone are two
different causalities. Which is worst, I would not be able to tell you. I have
yet to talk to Mr. A and at this point I feel like all my friendships are base
on an illusion of trust and interest. I feel lonely. Today before my nap not so
long ago, I remembered my grandfather. My Mother’s Father. I have never talked
about him besides once in a classroom project that I did in his memory. The
faint memory of his hugs and his love has never left me, even though my
subconscious denies all entry of this sort. I have always felt alone in this
world. It is funny how everyone loves to say that “we came in a lone and we
will leave alone” and I in fact have said it myself a few times. But little do
we know that it hurts us inside the mere though of it. I remembered his face,
his smile, his laughter, and wanted to hear his voice. My innocence not knowing
that there was a time a place that people go away, forever. I was only 8 when
he died. Eight is not my favorite number. Just the though of even letting a
memory out in words, better yet by writing resurfaces the deep pain I felt as a
child when my mother got that call and I heard right in front of me that he was
gone forever. I was only 8, when I began to hate the world and see it for its
true identity and corruption of ones soul and happiness. It is hard to remember
much of my childhood and I do say I do not mind this. The memories of pure
happiness are from when he was alive. From when I would hear his big roaring
brown truck pull up our drive away as I ran out in joy to see him arrive. I
have yet to feel that pure happiness again. The pain I have felt since the
moment I lost him has yet to be healed and forgotten. As I feel asleep to my
nap and remembered his thoughts I felt alone, I do not have anyone. Everyone
has lied or keep secrets from me. For what, I do ask myself? Mr. A what is your
purpose of hurting me to point that my tears run down my face, I fall to the
ground on my knees, and wonder what have I done to deserve such faith? To
sustain this ongoing pain that is caused by your be-littleness towards me. Or
his selfishness acts towards me that no one sees but yet I experience his other
side. Everyone’s loves Mr. A but I am the only one that knows his ways and deals
with the mistreatment of his words and lack of character. I even though maybe I
am paying the price for what his Ex did to him and yet I still wait patiently
and with such great hope that things will change. My parents loved him! But I
have seen how slowly he has lowered in my parents eyes. For his actions speak
louder than his words, and my defense for him speaks louder than my own pain.
Excuses over excuses I make to justify very little that he has done. I cannot
remember the last time he went out of his way to see me smile, or to make me
feel like I was the only girl on this world. Yet I sit, listen, and wait
patiently to take an order from him to attend to his every need. I cannot seem
to study, nor even want to eat. All I do all day is think which poisons the
heart and the soul so I write. I write to pour what I feel I cannot speak of,
of what I do not want to accept. But what does this do? Do this even get to
anyone or help anyone see that as humans we deserve more we deserve love and
compassion and someone that cares for one selves. I have come to the conclusion
that questions my love for him, for the man he has become because I once fell
completely in love with the man he once was. Perhaps it was my fault perhaps it
isn’t…but why is it that I get this end. I read a quote not so long ago that
goes as is “your largest fear carries your greatest growth” and with that
almost everything makes sense. For only the strongest go through the toughest
of moments, but the thing is they were once weak too.
With much love,
Zazu
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