Day 3

Tuesday
10/01/2013
Listening to "Eyes" by Kaskade (Feat. Mindy Gledhill)


Dear Diary,

Last Thursday 9/26/2013 I was going through a lot. I was completely stressed out in all sense of the word. So I could not hold what I was feeling inside. At the moment I wrote this piece I was not thinking rather I was pouring it all out while holding it all in. I will continue the story next time I post. Here were my thoughts that day:


Dear Diary,

I cannot seem to handle myself right. I am going into a state of mental and emotional panic. To the point that I go onto the computer and open blogger to write and let it out. My anxiety wants to hit a high peak that I am trying to avoid at all cost. My relationship seems to have symptoms of an addiction. I cannot focus, breathe right, eat, or do almost anything. It seems like I am loosing myself when I am trying to find myself as well. My insides want to burst out in scream and yelling contest to let it all out. The panic of my anxiety is causing me to think too fast for my own good. The fluctuations of what is going on with me are hard to control without medication. This has been the first time in long that I feel that I cannot help myself. Pouring out my soul all at once or trying to find the perfect words to explain a love that insanely drains the life out of me when all I want to do is live. The constant fight of wanting to be with Mr. A and to be single to explore the world tares me into pieces. Why, why, why, why I continue to ask out in the air. To whom the "why's" that itself I have no clue. I even feel like crying, at this moment, this very second, so I put my head down. I try not to, I try to hold it in. So I do. The feeling overwhelms me, confusion and interpretations by both parties. What are we doing? My head is full of thoughts. Still I cannot focus. At times I truly believe something is wrong with me besides everything that supposedly I have by doctors diagnosis. I try to pray. Man, I cannot even focus to do that. My brain seems to not keep one straight thought. What is wrong with me at this moment? I ask myself, I am more than trying but it seems like I am drowning in a sorrow that I am trying to avoid. It has become a small chip, that grew into a crack, that has now almost broken my heart. As I try to save it by holding it together. Everyone says I am strong, stronger than anyone they know. I stop to think, where, don't they see how bad I am breaking down. Yet I smile, to everyone. I still am my happy self happy to be alive and grateful. But with such pain that feels like it is tumbling in down inside me. Just like Jenga. move the wrong block and a tower that is already shaky tumbles down into many separate pieces not being one anymore. I want to tire myself out, my brain in fact. No more feelings I let myself know but nope, thats not happening. Wanting to head to the gym I haven't had the chance to go back to let it out. A good run would do the trick, I think to myself.



With much love,
Zazu