Day 7

Sunday
11/25/13
Listening to "Yo Se Que Te Acordaras" by Banda El Recodo

Dear Diary,

It is almost a year since the relationship had completely finished. I was doing okay at the beginning. I was just feeling the exhaustion and left over stress of the relationship. Feeling this way and upset I was finally becoming happy that it was finally over. I could not take it anymore. He was NOT the man I had fallen in love with. After a few days I blocked him from all contact to me (even though I doubt that he will try to reach me) I felt better and was deleting everything from my social media that was about "us". As time passed I continued to be happy. Recently I have not been feeling happy. I started off by feeling sad almost depressed but then i figured out what I was feeling was hurt. See, the thing is that before Mr. A I did not feel anything. Since I was a child and my two Ex's before him had contoured my heart to not feel anything. For a while I did not until I met and fell deeply in love with Mr. A. That is when I flare of emotions soared and caught me off guard... including love. Therefore, I was able to distinguish and figure out that what I was feeling was hurt. Hurt, for the reason of that I did so much to prove to him that I truly loved him and that I would do anything in this world for him and he still said I was wrong that I couldn't change. If he only knew. I have never wished anyone wrong that have done wrong to me. If anything I have forgave them and pray to God for him to forgive them too. For not everyone realize what they are doing at the time. But the pain that I have been feeling had been excruciating and unbearable. I cry, I cry to the point where you cannot even hear me whimper. That pain that truly comes from within. This makes me wonder why is this hurting me so bad? And I end up guessing is, after all this time that I did EVERYTHING I could for him absolutely EVERYTHING he still had the guts to want to leave me and blame me for every mistake and fight that happen within our relationship. Blaming me for such a horrible relationship, where he could not stand it anymore and was stressed. I still believe his friends more like friend got into his head. I wont go further into that topic because its a waste of my time as that person is in this world. Apologies for that was mean but I do not believe that I need to respect an individual that made me seem like something else in front of my ex. Yet again he might have done me a favor. Anyways, that is the last thing that I want to get into because it upsets me to know there are such ignorant and bad intended people out there. Overall, it is not that I want him back or love him anymore it is more of dealing with what he destroyed. I have yet to realize all the damage he has caused. It has finally hit me. The crying the wishing my pain to him the crying some more then listening to music to redeem my thoughts with and then crying some more without getting out of bed all day. Typical girl scene. Which is kind of funny when writing about it but very true in the sense that girls truly to this. Was missing the ice cream and chocolate, and any girl understands what I mean right?

Luckily I have some amazing friends and family that have been such a great support system. This seems to me as part of my journey. Something new. Nothing I have truly experienced in this way, in this state of minds, and at this age. So, I continue. I accept, realize, breathe, cry, and do what I have to do as a normal human that is going through a break up. Nothing new in the world but new to me at this moment in time. The hurt continues even though I know I am better off without him. This time around I wonder was this my karma to pay? But usually you know when your Karma is paying you in double fold. But no this time. This time it just feels like this is something I was supposed to go through. not sure the purpose of it this moment or the lesson to be learned because the pain is blocking my though process but soon enough this will be the pass. In the near future I will figure out what are the teachings and the tools I can get out of this outcome for the relationship I once thought was the "one".


With much love,

Zazu

Day 6

Monday

11/11/2013

Listening to my thoughts

Dear Diary,

There is a sense of liberty.  A feeling of serenity is in the mist of a failed relationship. Everyone’s has seemed to come to me with offerings of love and time. In which I have taken full advantage of. But when they come and ask if I am ok or text me or call me asking the same I say I am doing “Ok”. Most of them believe me, others believer I am suppressing or lying. The reality is that I am completely aware of what is going on and have actually felt differently and have reacted to this situation differently as most would have expected. See, the thing is I have a reputation on not handling the end of a relationship oh so well. Today I have finally removed him from my face book and have deleted all pictured that might have us together in them. He hated taking pictures with me, as I always wanted to capture every moment with him. But this time around I have found myself in a sense that I want his happiness as well as mine. I gave that relationship my all and have yet to regret doing so. If anything I am grateful to God (my higher power) for giving me a chance to learn from this rather than to mourn a loss I have gained. I gained the hunger to live again and the passion to make life worth living. We are never too young or old to feel or act this way. There is never accordance to as what we as humans should rightfully be doing at the time within our age. See, to me the point in life is not to please everyone else but are we pleasing ourselves with what we believe is correct. Yet what is correct in our eyes could be irrelevant or heinous to others. Wanting to be accepted, loved, cared for can be a desire of the soul yet we forget that these are things that should be given to us by us. When taking all those memories and changing my relationship status to single, it did not seem to hurt or entice the need to rekindle our relationship. In fact, it did the opposite. I wanted to live again, find that fire passion that has always been my strongest quality for life and dreams. My excitement for life has return to me as it had been diminished within this relationship. Yet he did not see me deteriorate within the relationship or my stress levels because of it, I always believed in making him happy. Even though my inner woman or girl wishes that everyone I knew hated him I can only wish that no one sees him differently as he is a good man. He just wasn’t the man for me. Love is a dangerous and most mischievous thing and yet we spend almost our entire lives in search for it or questioning if we have truly found it. Society or culturally we have a time clock to follow which makes us make irrational decisions, which later on bring us to our unhappiness and questioning of where we went wrong. If we would to just focus on the higher power within our lives and see that we have always had the control to our own happiness perhaps no so many would be tied down with the wrong people. But yet they complain of their unhappiness but stick beating the same drum that cannot be tuned to the music they want to play. How will you take control of your happiness? My journey has just begun.

With much love,

Zazu

ps: Its ok to cry, to yell, to scream to the top of your lungs. It heals the soul. Its ok to feel. Then let it go.