Day 0

Tuesday
10/14/2013
Listening to "Amnesia" By 5 Seconds of Summer


Dear Diary,


It has been a while that I wrote. I was going through a very interesting period in my life traveling, enjoying life and then feeling a full rush of after break up feelings. Wondering where to start and when to start blogging again I figured that I should start this story from the beginning. Not only from the beginning but from now and out. I will write it out all without shame or shyness. Who knows maybe this helps one person out there. I have always want to make a change in the world so maybe this is another outlet where I can help others. 

I have titled Day 0 because I want to share my thoughts now and begin tonight writing everything out. Hopefully you find these short stories interesting and/or intriguing. To all readers, there always a start point and I hope I can stay committed to writing each night. one last thing, to keep peoples identity exposed I will be using other names to substitute for their real names. Other than that, come join me in my journey through life. Hope is as interesting as my friends see it to be.

With much love,

Zazu

Day 8

Monday
02/10/14
Listening to "Wait" by M83

Dear Diary,

It had been a while since I write. I have lately been going through an array of emotions into which I cannot seem to let go. Understanding that it is part of life to be feel these emotions makes me a little but happier than most would be in my circumstance. The reason why because I used to not be able to feel anything besides my deep depression growing up. To be able to depict emotions that I am feeling and be able to identify them myself feels refreshing. But with that joy comes a price I have to pay.

I have lately have to endure my recent break up. It has now been 3 whole months that I have decided to stop letting Mr. A hurt me and control me. Luckily, I have an amazing support system and my self will to be happy again to get me through this. But sometimes I do wonder why did it end when I truly loved him so much. It pained me so much that my love has turn into hate. Know that I have never hated anything or anyone or ever wanted to feel that feeling because of what it stands for. My thought on that feeling was always that it was unnecessary and cruel...but I have found myself in the situation I am in. I hate him. As much as I try not to feel that way and ask God to help me learn how not to hate him, I cannot seem to remove the feeling. I have now learned how to accept it and live with the fact that the infamous quote of "there is a fine line between love and hate" to be true.

Mr. A was a love that I have never felt before. I felt like we were meant to be together, that we were perfect for one another. Little did I know that I was just lying to myself. I would question and blame myself for the break up. As he would always say "its all your fault, it always is!" I learned to believe it and make it my reality. Yes, it is hard to still get over him but what helps is all his hurtful words. He never realized the emotional abuse he was putting me through as he countlessly admitted over and over again how selfish he was and that is why he wanted things a certain way. Giving into whatever request he wanted, I would go out my way. I tried so hard to make it work, to make him see how much I truly loved him, but it was never enough. With the hate that I currently feel for him I never have yet to desire him any negative to happen to him. The only one thing that I have wished is for him to feel the same exact pain I underwent with him. And even then, I felt guilty about it and tried endlessly to get that thought out of my head.

The pain has been real but the memories have serve me to forget Mr. A. It is interesting to realize that most of my memories of him now are over powered by all the painful ones. Love, what is love. Is love letting yourself be put down and talked down to by a man? Is love letting him use your weaknesses against you? Is love a one person thing? No. And when I finally realized that I was able to leave that painful reality to start over...

Currently, I am happier than ever! Yes there are times like right now that happen, where I remember him and it hurts me. But I have learned that it is ok to feel such pain. I LOVED so intensely a man that i gave my heart life and soul too. It was not a mistake because I learned that I love is capable of anything, but should have boundaries. Also, I have learned that a relationship is not a one person job but rather two people at equal levels. Love is so beautiful and comes in all shapes and forms. It is to learn from such experiences and we grow. I was lucky enough to realize that I was worth more than he gave me credit for. Not only that, I got better once I was away from him. Life is now an everyday blessing to me, and I thank God for that. There are so many things I have now done without him being around and stopping me from doing. Falling in love with myself is one of them.

He was the last piece of my past I had to let go to let my new into the world. I was just lucky enough to have God by my side, family, and friends.


With much love,

Zazu

Day 7

Sunday
11/25/13
Listening to "Yo Se Que Te Acordaras" by Banda El Recodo

Dear Diary,

It is almost a year since the relationship had completely finished. I was doing okay at the beginning. I was just feeling the exhaustion and left over stress of the relationship. Feeling this way and upset I was finally becoming happy that it was finally over. I could not take it anymore. He was NOT the man I had fallen in love with. After a few days I blocked him from all contact to me (even though I doubt that he will try to reach me) I felt better and was deleting everything from my social media that was about "us". As time passed I continued to be happy. Recently I have not been feeling happy. I started off by feeling sad almost depressed but then i figured out what I was feeling was hurt. See, the thing is that before Mr. A I did not feel anything. Since I was a child and my two Ex's before him had contoured my heart to not feel anything. For a while I did not until I met and fell deeply in love with Mr. A. That is when I flare of emotions soared and caught me off guard... including love. Therefore, I was able to distinguish and figure out that what I was feeling was hurt. Hurt, for the reason of that I did so much to prove to him that I truly loved him and that I would do anything in this world for him and he still said I was wrong that I couldn't change. If he only knew. I have never wished anyone wrong that have done wrong to me. If anything I have forgave them and pray to God for him to forgive them too. For not everyone realize what they are doing at the time. But the pain that I have been feeling had been excruciating and unbearable. I cry, I cry to the point where you cannot even hear me whimper. That pain that truly comes from within. This makes me wonder why is this hurting me so bad? And I end up guessing is, after all this time that I did EVERYTHING I could for him absolutely EVERYTHING he still had the guts to want to leave me and blame me for every mistake and fight that happen within our relationship. Blaming me for such a horrible relationship, where he could not stand it anymore and was stressed. I still believe his friends more like friend got into his head. I wont go further into that topic because its a waste of my time as that person is in this world. Apologies for that was mean but I do not believe that I need to respect an individual that made me seem like something else in front of my ex. Yet again he might have done me a favor. Anyways, that is the last thing that I want to get into because it upsets me to know there are such ignorant and bad intended people out there. Overall, it is not that I want him back or love him anymore it is more of dealing with what he destroyed. I have yet to realize all the damage he has caused. It has finally hit me. The crying the wishing my pain to him the crying some more then listening to music to redeem my thoughts with and then crying some more without getting out of bed all day. Typical girl scene. Which is kind of funny when writing about it but very true in the sense that girls truly to this. Was missing the ice cream and chocolate, and any girl understands what I mean right?

Luckily I have some amazing friends and family that have been such a great support system. This seems to me as part of my journey. Something new. Nothing I have truly experienced in this way, in this state of minds, and at this age. So, I continue. I accept, realize, breathe, cry, and do what I have to do as a normal human that is going through a break up. Nothing new in the world but new to me at this moment in time. The hurt continues even though I know I am better off without him. This time around I wonder was this my karma to pay? But usually you know when your Karma is paying you in double fold. But no this time. This time it just feels like this is something I was supposed to go through. not sure the purpose of it this moment or the lesson to be learned because the pain is blocking my though process but soon enough this will be the pass. In the near future I will figure out what are the teachings and the tools I can get out of this outcome for the relationship I once thought was the "one".


With much love,

Zazu

Day 6

Monday

11/11/2013

Listening to my thoughts

Dear Diary,

There is a sense of liberty.  A feeling of serenity is in the mist of a failed relationship. Everyone’s has seemed to come to me with offerings of love and time. In which I have taken full advantage of. But when they come and ask if I am ok or text me or call me asking the same I say I am doing “Ok”. Most of them believe me, others believer I am suppressing or lying. The reality is that I am completely aware of what is going on and have actually felt differently and have reacted to this situation differently as most would have expected. See, the thing is I have a reputation on not handling the end of a relationship oh so well. Today I have finally removed him from my face book and have deleted all pictured that might have us together in them. He hated taking pictures with me, as I always wanted to capture every moment with him. But this time around I have found myself in a sense that I want his happiness as well as mine. I gave that relationship my all and have yet to regret doing so. If anything I am grateful to God (my higher power) for giving me a chance to learn from this rather than to mourn a loss I have gained. I gained the hunger to live again and the passion to make life worth living. We are never too young or old to feel or act this way. There is never accordance to as what we as humans should rightfully be doing at the time within our age. See, to me the point in life is not to please everyone else but are we pleasing ourselves with what we believe is correct. Yet what is correct in our eyes could be irrelevant or heinous to others. Wanting to be accepted, loved, cared for can be a desire of the soul yet we forget that these are things that should be given to us by us. When taking all those memories and changing my relationship status to single, it did not seem to hurt or entice the need to rekindle our relationship. In fact, it did the opposite. I wanted to live again, find that fire passion that has always been my strongest quality for life and dreams. My excitement for life has return to me as it had been diminished within this relationship. Yet he did not see me deteriorate within the relationship or my stress levels because of it, I always believed in making him happy. Even though my inner woman or girl wishes that everyone I knew hated him I can only wish that no one sees him differently as he is a good man. He just wasn’t the man for me. Love is a dangerous and most mischievous thing and yet we spend almost our entire lives in search for it or questioning if we have truly found it. Society or culturally we have a time clock to follow which makes us make irrational decisions, which later on bring us to our unhappiness and questioning of where we went wrong. If we would to just focus on the higher power within our lives and see that we have always had the control to our own happiness perhaps no so many would be tied down with the wrong people. But yet they complain of their unhappiness but stick beating the same drum that cannot be tuned to the music they want to play. How will you take control of your happiness? My journey has just begun.

With much love,

Zazu

ps: Its ok to cry, to yell, to scream to the top of your lungs. It heals the soul. Its ok to feel. Then let it go.

Day 5

Wednesday
10/30/2013
Listening to my Classical music playlist

Dear Diary,

So Mr. A and I finally pulled the plug. It is officially over. I cried, but not like I have before when he has tried to leave me. This time I cried and even asked him “are we really doing this” and said yes. There is no regret in all I have done, because I loved him with al my heart so passionately! There was nothing I would have not done for this man. At least from my part I know I did everything I could. I had loved an man and poured my heart and should into something he gave up on and ran away from since day one. But as my tears start to pour out my eyes I do not regret finally not chasing him. My love was pure and genuine, loyal and passionate. All I wanted was to give him was the start the moon and the sun. I had loved a man so passionately that I had accepted my unhappiness for his happiness. One of my biggest dreams is to own a home with horses. As I expressed this to him he said I don’t want any animals you will have to clean up for them. See the thing is that before I would have not cared and agreed but this hurt me for once. I love horses! It has such a unique quality for freedom and love with rage and passion running through its veins. It disappointed me that he would even say that. A man that loves a woman and a woman that loves a man will support any dream possible if truly in love. It made me think…do I really want to end up with this man? He could not accept my love for animals yet alone my biggest dream. I have put up and supported him for over a year now when he was at his lowest and yet when I was at my lowest he just be-little me more. I wondered what was wrong with me for the longest of times. Until now I have realized there was never nothing wrong with me, he just did not love me for who I truly was. He had tried to change me over and over again. Every time making it seem that when something went wrong that it was my fault, that I was not a good girlfriend. It made me even think that I was not good enough for him. Now… I feel like I was more than good for him, and that is why a higher power did not allow him to have me any longer. He did not know how to appreciate what he had in front of him. Always looking for ways to please him and make him happy I could never satisfy him. Long and sleepless nights I passed crying into my pillows wishing that I could make him happy, that I can finally be good enough. I prayed to God and wished to change me because I desired to be with this man make him happy and put him in a pedestal. Only did I not realize that I had made a big mistake. That I had given up my happiness for a man that I had given a man a power over my life my soul and my heart which he did not deserve. Going above and beyond was never enough.

(Intermission) 

As my brother and I had a conversation I learn to part ways with what is going on and accept the things that are currently happening. One second one minute one hour on day at a time. There is no rush to my journey that I have embarked with finding who I am with or without Mr. A. I will find me… and love, love will come back one day when I least expected to in the near or far future.

With much love,

Zazu

Day 4 part 2

Tuesday

10/29/2013

Listening to the painful thoughts in my head

Dear Diary,

The feeling of being lonely and being alone are two different causalities. Which is worst, I would not be able to tell you. I have yet to talk to Mr. A and at this point I feel like all my friendships are base on an illusion of trust and interest. I feel lonely. Today before my nap not so long ago, I remembered my grandfather. My Mother’s Father. I have never talked about him besides once in a classroom project that I did in his memory. The faint memory of his hugs and his love has never left me, even though my subconscious denies all entry of this sort. I have always felt alone in this world. It is funny how everyone loves to say that “we came in a lone and we will leave alone” and I in fact have said it myself a few times. But little do we know that it hurts us inside the mere though of it. I remembered his face, his smile, his laughter, and wanted to hear his voice. My innocence not knowing that there was a time a place that people go away, forever. I was only 8 when he died. Eight is not my favorite number. Just the though of even letting a memory out in words, better yet by writing resurfaces the deep pain I felt as a child when my mother got that call and I heard right in front of me that he was gone forever. I was only 8, when I began to hate the world and see it for its true identity and corruption of ones soul and happiness. It is hard to remember much of my childhood and I do say I do not mind this. The memories of pure happiness are from when he was alive. From when I would hear his big roaring brown truck pull up our drive away as I ran out in joy to see him arrive. I have yet to feel that pure happiness again. The pain I have felt since the moment I lost him has yet to be healed and forgotten. As I feel asleep to my nap and remembered his thoughts I felt alone, I do not have anyone. Everyone has lied or keep secrets from me. For what, I do ask myself? Mr. A what is your purpose of hurting me to point that my tears run down my face, I fall to the ground on my knees, and wonder what have I done to deserve such faith? To sustain this ongoing pain that is caused by your be-littleness towards me. Or his selfishness acts towards me that no one sees but yet I experience his other side. Everyone’s loves Mr. A but I am the only one that knows his ways and deals with the mistreatment of his words and lack of character. I even though maybe I am paying the price for what his Ex did to him and yet I still wait patiently and with such great hope that things will change. My parents loved him! But I have seen how slowly he has lowered in my parents eyes. For his actions speak louder than his words, and my defense for him speaks louder than my own pain. Excuses over excuses I make to justify very little that he has done. I cannot remember the last time he went out of his way to see me smile, or to make me feel like I was the only girl on this world. Yet I sit, listen, and wait patiently to take an order from him to attend to his every need. I cannot seem to study, nor even want to eat. All I do all day is think which poisons the heart and the soul so I write. I write to pour what I feel I cannot speak of, of what I do not want to accept. But what does this do? Do this even get to anyone or help anyone see that as humans we deserve more we deserve love and compassion and someone that cares for one selves. I have come to the conclusion that questions my love for him, for the man he has become because I once fell completely in love with the man he once was. Perhaps it was my fault perhaps it isn’t…but why is it that I get this end. I read a quote not so long ago that goes as is “your largest fear carries your greatest growth” and with that almost everything makes sense. For only the strongest go through the toughest of moments, but the thing is they were once weak too.

With much love,

Zazu

Day 4

Tuesday
10/29/2013
Listening to "Clair de Lune" For Piano by Claude Debussy

Dear Diary.

You know that moment when you feel like everything is going wrong when it actually isn’t? Well, there are days like that in my life. When at times I feel like everything is falling out of my control. At this time and space I have yet to hear from him… and I am not sure if I want too. I have been questioning the continuance of this ongoing failure of a relationship. I have felt so unappreciated for so long. Yet I have not cried in a while the way I cried the other night. Thursday October 24, 2013 just because I wanted to see him and so blatantly I get a no. But his reasons were justifiable. I was sick and throwing an unnecessary fit to see him. Yet I wonder if it was? He says he has no time but I come to hear that he spent yesterday Monday October 28, 2013 with his best friend. He has yet to respond to my calls. But why do I call? Do I want too? Do I love him? Or am I just used to chasing a ghost of a man that I once fell in love with? I question myself Am I happy? The answer is no. So why continue in this torture of what once was love? Why do we continue in something so lethal that drains the soul and weakens the body? That I yet cannot answer myself. I have not felt this confused in such a long time. The continuance of my story has stopped and I have come to a halting stop focusing on my undetermined feelings and confusion about the decisions I have to make. Writing is definitely an art. The fact that I can so easily manage to write what I feel, think, want to express rather than a voice comforts me. But this still does not give me an answer. But it helps to give me the determination to get control back of myself. Not of anyone or anything but myself. That is where people make mistakes. I know that I been unappreciated for a while now and not only by A, but by many people. The only thing that makes the difference from me and someone is that perhaps they would become bitter over everything that has happened to me causing a broken heart, yet I have no grudge. Fortunately letting this out today has helped me feel more content and energized in some way. I still have yet to make a decision I am comfortable with and as of now I shall take day by day just I have done and should continue doing. Every time I try to jump forward into conclusions or assumptions I get myself in trouble. One step at a time. Will I stay with him or will I not? I do not know the answer.

At times when I am thinking I wonder am I really thinking or is this all real...there has to be something more to life than just this, something great!

With much love,

Zazu