Day 4

Tuesday
10/29/2013
Listening to "Clair de Lune" For Piano by Claude Debussy

Dear Diary.

You know that moment when you feel like everything is going wrong when it actually isn’t? Well, there are days like that in my life. When at times I feel like everything is falling out of my control. At this time and space I have yet to hear from him… and I am not sure if I want too. I have been questioning the continuance of this ongoing failure of a relationship. I have felt so unappreciated for so long. Yet I have not cried in a while the way I cried the other night. Thursday October 24, 2013 just because I wanted to see him and so blatantly I get a no. But his reasons were justifiable. I was sick and throwing an unnecessary fit to see him. Yet I wonder if it was? He says he has no time but I come to hear that he spent yesterday Monday October 28, 2013 with his best friend. He has yet to respond to my calls. But why do I call? Do I want too? Do I love him? Or am I just used to chasing a ghost of a man that I once fell in love with? I question myself Am I happy? The answer is no. So why continue in this torture of what once was love? Why do we continue in something so lethal that drains the soul and weakens the body? That I yet cannot answer myself. I have not felt this confused in such a long time. The continuance of my story has stopped and I have come to a halting stop focusing on my undetermined feelings and confusion about the decisions I have to make. Writing is definitely an art. The fact that I can so easily manage to write what I feel, think, want to express rather than a voice comforts me. But this still does not give me an answer. But it helps to give me the determination to get control back of myself. Not of anyone or anything but myself. That is where people make mistakes. I know that I been unappreciated for a while now and not only by A, but by many people. The only thing that makes the difference from me and someone is that perhaps they would become bitter over everything that has happened to me causing a broken heart, yet I have no grudge. Fortunately letting this out today has helped me feel more content and energized in some way. I still have yet to make a decision I am comfortable with and as of now I shall take day by day just I have done and should continue doing. Every time I try to jump forward into conclusions or assumptions I get myself in trouble. One step at a time. Will I stay with him or will I not? I do not know the answer.

At times when I am thinking I wonder am I really thinking or is this all real...there has to be something more to life than just this, something great!

With much love,

Zazu