Day 2

Tuesday
9/24/2013
Listening to "Collide" (Afrojack mix) by Leona Lewis, Avicii

Dear Diary,

I have decided to do two reflections of my feelings throughout a posting. The reason why is because I noticed that after writing a blog I feel completely different than before I write it. Today has been two days since my last post and a lot has happen. I am aware that I need to post the rest of the story that was left off on the previous posting. Overall writing has seemed like a healing process. Here we go.

Reflection before the story:

Today it is still early during the day. I have yet to let myself feel about my situation with my boyfriend. Simply because I have not had time. Cure is to stay busy. Temporary cure obviously. But so far I have not had the chance to focus on my feelings because I have been stressed out with school. I have midterms coming up and I want to get A's in that test and my classes. But part of me is torn into two. One says I want to be with him, because I am in love with him. The other side of me says that I just have too many thing I have to do before settling down. I want to travel, explore, have fun, chase my dreams, and more. But it is hard to think that I can completely loose him. The though of loosing anyone you love is terrifying but we as humans we do not consistently think about such things. That is when we do not appreciate what we have around us. Besides being stressed with school and my relationship, I tend to be very happy. Lately, my friendships with people have been marvelous. It is like we fall in love with life because all we want to do is be alive and be young. With this in mind I do not encourage alcohol or drugs. Some of my best memories have been those that did not include such recreational use. I personally prefer not to do those things because they only make things worse. Going back to my feelings, I have decided to take one day at a time with my relationship and let time do the job. But, I know I love him.

Wednesday September 18, 2013; I wake up stressed reaching out for him. I look at my cell and have noticed that I have received a text from his dad cell saying "you called" I text back saying "yea". My leg is stiff and swollen from the day before fall and my eye's hurt from all the crying. I call in sick to work. My leg hurts too much to walk on. But after I fall back to sleep and wake up I decide I will go to his house. I shower and change and walk out the door. As I walk to the nearest bus stop my heart starts to race and my palms start to moist. I eagerly wait the arrival of the bus, which by the way this is only my second time using. As I anxiously continue to check my phone to check the bus arrival I cannot compose myself. My heart races, my lungs are function I think to myself, my palms are sweaty but I am not, what is going on with me. The seconds feel minutes the minutes feel like hours and the hours feel like days. But what story has not used that line before. I try to make sense of what is happening. My leg is throbbing. The sense I feel seem to be in all its extremity.  The bus arrives. I get out my change to pay with and take a seat. I make sure to see what is the next bus I am supposed to take as I sit anxiously waiting to get to his house. Few minutes later I arrive to my stop. I get off walk across to the next bus stop and wait. This bus did not take as long as the other one but still had to wait. I get onto my next bus, pay, sit down. As I pay attention to the every move the driver makes, he makes a left on a street and I panic thinking "I don't want to go back home!" and got off. Little did I know that I was supposed to stay on the bus. I was not too far away as I walked down a street and then a smaller street towards his house. I was sweating now, it was hot. As I arrive to his house I get extremely nervous. I slowly walk up the stairs as my leg is hurting. I get to his door. It seems time has stop. I knock. It feels like minutes but seconds later he opens the door. The gate door is blocking me from him as he asks "hey, what you doing here?" I say "I need to talk to you." He asks me what about and I say about a lot of things. He is hesitant to open the gate door but he does. Hes wearing basketball ball short a t-shirt and holding a bowl of cereal. I cant keep my eyes off him as I feel my heart sinking inside me in a ocean of emotions that seem to be attacking me all at once but I am not conscious but rather physically aware of. I am happy. He tells me to take a seat and asks me if I want anything or if I have eaten. I admit to him I have yet to eat as lately the last thing on my mind is to eat. I stare at him. "Water please, its hot." He goes to get me a water, hands it to me and sits down, "so whats up?" he ask. I cannot seem to speak, there are so many things I want to say but my mouth or my brain cannot process any. He asks again "what would you like to talk about?" I finally respond. I want to talk about a lot of things but I cannot seem to have them come out my mouth, I let him know. He says well I haven't changed my mind since yesterday. I move towards him to sit next to him since he is on the other side of the couches and tends to be fidgeting with the control and changing the channels on the TV. I say why do you want to leave me when you love me. He says you already know I say tell me again. He says you know that I cannot give you anything, I am tired of the fights, and some of the things you do are just not right. I say I have never been in such serious relationship how em I suppose to know what exactly should I be doing. We look at each other then he looks away. I say look at me while I talk to you. I get closer. I move into his arms and try to kiss him but he moves his head away and says no you know this cannot happen anymore. Looking away I try to contain myself and start to cry. I turn back around and grab a hold of his face and I say so your okay with letting me, go having me close, not kissing you, loving you but love someone else? He rapidly says no, but it is going to happen. You will find happiness. I ask, don't you love me? He says of course I do, it doesn't just go away. I get closer to him and start kissing his neck, slowly move onto his ear, then fairly touch his lips with mine caressing them. Feeling him get weaker and closing his eyes I kiss him. He melts into my lips as I into his. Time has currently stopped. His lips are soft, gentle, we slowly kiss as it gradually gets aggressive. I am still holding onto his face, I feel his hand move onto the back of my head as he grabs it to kiss me harder. It seems like hours have passed by as we passionately kiss until we cannot breathe anymore. I cry. He says don't cry please, it hurts me to see you like this. Then why are you leaving me, I reply. You know we cannot be together we both have tried, I say have you really? He answers with a you know I have. I say no you have not you haven't tried you are quitting. He looks away. He then says you know you always have been the stronger one that has always brought me back into realization that we should stay together but this time it is just not going to happen. But he holds me close as it seems like he does not want to let me go. Inside my thoughts I cannot seem to understand what he is thinking, trying to decipher what he is telling I cannot read him, he is the only one I cannot seem to have been able to read or understand. We continue to go back and forth with the situation at hand. I cry he seems hurt we kiss and he lets me know you know my weaknesses. I ask honestly let him know I do not know what they are. He responds with :you are my weakness". We head to his room even though we are both hesitant. Time passes and we are holding each other letting our love flourish even though we have no idea what will happen, his mindset still breaking up and mine still staying together. I love him he loves me what. This makes no sense, but is love supposed too? I ponder in pure confusion. Looking into his eyes, I ask him "can you live without me?" He looks away as he seems to rather not answer my question. I pull his face towards me and say please answer me, he sharply then looks into my eyes and says what do you think I raise my shoulders in confusion. He says no I cannot. I fall into bliss. We continue to cuddle and then he asks me would you like to see something funny. I say of course. He brings a plastic storage bin out. As he opens it he shows me thing that he has kept that mean something to him which include some mementos I have even given him. He then starts pulling out his year books. Spending part of the day going into his past from stories within his year book, a notebook that he has some drawings on from when he was a child, toys from when he was a child, and dearest possession  I feel like i know him better. I could not express the joy I felt going through a journey back into his past. He has not open up like this with me before and we had been together for over 2 years. He puts it all away and comes towards me. Grabs me light to have my lower back arched into his arm to kiss me. He kisses me passionately...To be continued.

Reflection after the story:

While writing this piece to the story, I could once again feel each emotion I felt throughout that day. It was a bit hard to write as I have not though about him since Sunday when I saw him. Being consistently busy I have not given time to feeling what I am feeling about the relationship since in a way it stresses me out. But I do love him, I feel calmer more in tune with myself when I express by detail each sensation, each characteristic to my story. It is like letting out a hurricane of emotions into an empty abyss. That now has become a canvas for my soul to pour out the array of colors it keeps inside that creates a visual picture with words.

With much love,

Zazu